Yes, I know I'm late

Woke up late, late to work, assignments late, late to blogging - but not actually late, and I would like to keep it that way. Which is one of the reasons I have started this blog.

I'm depressed, as in clinically. I don't really know why, though I have a great many possible reasons. None of my doctors seem to really want to talk about why other than a chemical imbalance, for which there is no treatment other than medication. And I have nothing against medication, except that I'm 35, married and I would like to have children - or, at least, I did when my depression was under control six months ago. So I told my doctor, and he took me off all my medication. Three months later, I'm not pregnant nor am I particularly functional, and he is unwilling to treat me in case I become pregnant (his insurance won't cover treatment during pregnancy in case of teratogenic damage to the fetus).

And so I have found myself in the wonderful world of untreated major depression - and what it's like to try to find help for depression while depressed. Considering that accessing health care for any condition often involves a great deal of organization and self-advocacy (and remembering to followup and all sorts of complex mental tasks), it's feeling rather like I'm trying to climb several flights of stairs to the fracture clinic on two broken legs - or maybe a broken leg and a sprain.

So far, I have been dropped by my specialist (who wasn't actually that great a fit, but that wasn't a problem when I was medicated), and I have at least two referrals out there: one for assessment at CAMH in Toronto -- if you have an addiction, you can self-refer, but if your mind just breaks on its own you must get referrals and wait weeks -- and another to a specialist whose name I can't even remember and whose therapy technique is something I've never heard of. I've been calling my GP to try to get the name of the specialist again, but all I get is a busy signal. Apparently they think thinks it's 1960 and answering machines haven't been invented yet. Maybe I should buy them one.